Dan Shi Martial Arts Club

First Dan Thesis

By Marian Hartman
2001

In March of 1999, I walked into the Tae Kwon Do academy of Grandmaster Park’s for the first time with much trepidation, but also with a determination…a determination to obtain the black belt. I knew that if I started, I wanted to finish. Looking at all the advertisements in the yellow pages, I wondered how I would possibly locate the correct instructor. One showed itself more than the others to me as I read the “YES I CAN…” quote. Since that day I have grown steadily more confidence, more self-controlled, and have improved physically.

However, over time, I have discovered that the more I learn, the less I know. When I started almost two years ago, I thought one just worked on certain fighting techniques to a black belt standard and that was it; now I realize that it is a lifestyle. As I went through the colour belts, I often felt great pride in my improvements, although I tried to not let it show. Learning about the martial art was not so much my personal goal, but rather to impress everyone else. Unfortunately, looking back on my accomplishments, most of them were not self-fulfilling accomplishments, but proficiencies to impress a certain someone or ones. Even during my eight years of horse training I never rode to specifically enjoy, but to compete and impress my instructor.

Of course, there is an extreme importance in wanting to please the instructor and judges, but learning for the sake of personal knowledge is something that I am beginning to understand. I would try so strongly to get a compliment out of my Tae Kwon Do instructor, but it usually did not work, and I would walk away frustrated, wondering when or if I would ever get his attention. My jealously for people with good technique begin to grow as I felt more insecure. Although I tried to keep these feeling buried, I finally saw them for what they were and realized that no matter how good I became, there will always be somebody with better martial art technique, more intelligence, and become more successful. I then started to see that it was not a battle of people, but a constant self-improvement.

Out of the five Tae Kwon Do tenets, courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control and indomitable spirit, I find myself excelling in some and in need of sincere improvement in others. Though I do not believe that any of them can be perfected, thus the lifetime of learning, I know vast improvement will be accomplished in the coming years of Tae Kwon Do training.

Courtesy and integrity are my most lacking qualities in comparison to the other tenets. Under courtesy falls respect and honour, something that, not only was something to be earned from me, but also a very difficult thing to be earned. Often in high school when a teacher or authority would demand respect, I would not respect him just to spite him. Though my attitude has changed over time, it has been a slow process and needs sped up. I can certainly go through the reasons of why it is so difficult for me to respect people, such as extreme disillusionment in people I respected while growing up, but I think that is no longer an issue and it is time for me to grow out of that style of thinking. Other people’s life decisions should not affect my way of acting. Integrity is something I most certainly have, but have tendencies to “do whatever it takes to get the job done,” even if it borders on the unethical. One should do everything in his power to complete a task, but not to the point of losing personal integrity. Tae Kwon Do has been most useful in forcing me to see the true picture of myself so I may work on my faults. When I first started Tae Kwon Do, I would feel unfairness if my instructor corrected me along these lines, and think that it was him with the judgmental problem; but as I have continued training, I now know that it is a very real problem with myself and to continue working on it.

Perseverance and an indomitable spirit are something in which I do not struggle. Sometimes I get so involved in projects that nothing else exists until it is completed. If it is a long-term goal that I am attempting to complete, but feel discouragement to the point of quitting, I will set up a reward that I want desperately if I finish. An example would be finishing college. Sometimes I literally despise school, although I generally like to study. My temptations last year to drop out were so powerful that I promised myself a trip abroad for a month after I finished, but not before—something that keeps my nose to the grindstone.

Indomitable spirit can be defined in many ways, but my favourite definition is to relate it to the non-quitting attitude. The best life example for me has been and still continues to be my health. When I was born, I was allergic to just about everything I touched or ate. I grew out of some of it, but still have severe allergy problems that give me headaches and hearing problems. As I grew older, my strength did not seem to grow with my age. Exhaustion was a constant problem, to the point of my inability to attend full-time school even as a grade-schooler. I would sleep ten to twelve hours a night and collapse from exhaustion after five hours of school with breaks. Fortunately, I was intelligent enough to keep up what my body would not allow me to do, but it became worse as I became older.
When I was ten years old doctors told my parents that I would never be able to work or go to full-time college. To marry me off to an understand husband seemed to be my destiny…something, I remember deciding, that would not be happening. A normal life was all that I wanted, and was I determined to get it; or die trying. I forced myself to do things that I was told I could never do and now I am holding a 40-hour a week job and keeping 18 hours a semester together at the same time. Some people would say that I was healed of whatever kept me weak, but I believe wholeheartedly that my spirit would not allow myself to be a weakling all my life. If there is such a thing as mind over matter, my childhood is prime proof. Tae Kwon Do has also enhanced this way of thinking, and my strength has grown most steadily.

Confidence has been the biggest contribution Tae Kwon Do has given me. Although I was confident in some things to the point of extreme arrogance, there were secretive things in my heart that kept me in constant fear. Tae Kwon Do has tempered my arrogance and depleted much of my fear. I used to fear standing up for myself, especially regarding self-protection. Though it is still very possible to be attacked on the street by a number of thugs and lose, my confidence through the martial arts has given me the ability to overcome my constant fear of that happening and has replaced the panic with reasoning of what to do if such an incident occurred.
I have often thought through the last few months of what I could do to contribute to the world of what has been given to me. Being a better citizen of Earth alone is a good contribution, but there is something more I want to do. Of course, being an instructor is a goal, but I do not want to just teach any school or class. I know what career I want in my life, and owning my own Tae Kwon Do academy doesn’t really fit. However, I have always wanted to minister to people who have had a bad run of things and show them that there is a better way to live, rather than the fear that many do live. Dreams can be sometimes unreachable, but I do believe if dreams are not created, reality will never exist; therefore, my dream is to teach a Tae Kwon Do academy to people that have made the decision improve their lives, but need a nudge along the way. Let me explain by giving a story of an experience I had.

Through my church I had volunteered as a coordinator for a program called “Take It To Town” where you literally took your services to the inner city. My project was called “BASTA” which is Spanish for “enough.” Enough abuse, that is. It was a privately based institution that gave home shelter to abused women and their children who had ran away from their situations and spent the maximum time available in the abuse shelters around the city. BASTA was a two-year program that educated the women to get good jobs, offered counseling the both the women and the children and basically gave them the opportunity to start over. Our team from the church’s job was to help beautify the homes with flowers and such.

Through this, I took the opportunity to talk with the women, and couldn’t help but notice the strength they had to take the steps they had taken to get themselves and their children out of the dreadful circumstances they were in, but also the fear and feeling of lostness that was in their eyes. I remembered having that same feeling myself on a lower scale before I started Tae Kwon Do and could not help but think what just two years of martial arts would do for these women and children, as it had done for me. I managed to speak to the head of the BASTA foundation about their confidence levels and likelihood of their staying on their own or giving up to go back to the abuse they knew so well. She was very sad as she told me that although some make it on their own, many of them have so little confidence and self-esteem and are so used to abuse, they end up going back to what they originally tried to get away from.

She also told me that they only have about 20-25 women at a time in their facilities with some children. It was at that point that I knew what I wanted to do to fulfill both my desire for ministry and martial arts. I knew my church would sponsor a program of this nature with gratitude; it is both large enough and has enough money. I wanted also the ability to tie together this confidence and self-esteem that the women would get with the church. With a controlled amount of women and children, I could see the possibilities of having an academy there without growth from the outside and a constant togetherness of a class for these people to work together. I feel that this style of program for these types of women would be greatly helpful to them and to myself to be able to help them. Although I have a long way to go for that sort of responsibility, both emotionally and teaching of technique, I believe after law school, probably six years from now, I will have the ability to execute this project.

I realize how much I need to learn and how difficult it would be to have a school of this nature, but this would be an ultimate fulfillment for me and is a goal to pursue. When I get bored with Tae Kwon Do and wonder if it is really worth it, thinking about this helps keep me going. Even if this particular goal would not work, the idea of sharing the education that I get from it with others someday keeps me encouraged. My instructor has been very patient with me concerning my attitude and overall training. I only hope that I can have half of his patience someday with someone else like me.